Three Steps to Asserting Yourself

You are asked to join a committee that meets over lunch every Friday. You promised yourself you would refrain from any additional committee work. This also means you need to tell Jane you can no longer join her for power walks. "We need you to finish the outline for the project team. John was supposed to finish it but he says he is too busy. Have it done by tomorrow, ok?" Do you feel as though people seem to single you out for extra work? Do you often feel like a dumping ground? Do you feel resentful, wondering why you seem to find yourself in these situations - overwhelmed and overextended?
You have more power here than you realize. People don't know what's on your plate. And while it may be flattering that they think you'll be good for the task, that doesn't make it fit into your schedule any easier.
Just because people ask doesn't mean you have to comply. It's not what other people do or ask of you but rather how you respond that causes your angst and happiness.
Why are you being 'nice'?
What does it mean to be 'nice'? Usually, when we think about someone who is 'nice', we describe him as thoughtful, kind, considerate, warm, and welcoming. He is genuine, perhaps compassionate. A 'nice' person possesses certain qualities that make him someone we regard in a positive way.
But, is being 'nice' always positive? Can your focus on being 'nice' get in the way of your success?
'Nice' is one of those catch-all words that means a lot of different things. If you focus on being 'nice', you might find that you are not achieving the results you want, that people aren't treating you with the respect you want. You seem to get passed over for the promotions. People just don't seem to take you seriously.
Being 'nice' is not the best way for a leader to lead. 'Nice' has to do with the delivery, not the essence of what you say or do. 'Nice' describes how you do what you do. Leaders lead by doing the right thing and they do it in a 'nice' way.
When you focus on being nice, you often say "yes" to things you don't want to do, saying "no" to yourself and dismissing your own values and responsibilities. Perhaps you simply don't know how to say "no" or you may be habituated to answer "yes".
Perhaps you simply don't want people to feel bad, so you say "yes" whenever possible. You want to be liked. It scares you to consider that someone may not think fondly of you.
It takes a lot of energy to concern yourself with what other people think about you. Meanwhile, you become a dumping ground. This has the opposite effect to the happiness and respect you want.
As you say "yes" to everything and everyone, you have more and more to do, become more and more stressed, have less time to focus on your own work and responsibilities, and become more and more resentful and angry. Your evaluations may even suffer because you have less time to focus on your own stuff and are more focused on looking good for others.
However, resentment is more about you than others; resentment is anger at yourself for not asserting yourself and for not taking care of yourself. There is always a toll when you put other people before your own well-being.
What do you value?
Consider this: What is it costing you to not honor yourself and your values? What do you lose by spending your time, energy, and effort on pleasing others by being 'nice'? How are your relationships suffering? Your health? Your work?
The reality is that our lives are a reflection of the expression of our values. Whatever you do is what you value most in this moment.
If you are busy doing things for other people and not asking yourself the hard questions about what you want and learning to turn down requests that are incongruent with your values, then you are not living true to yourself and you are hurting - even if you don't know it!
So how do you recover from being 'nice'? Here are three steps to doing the right thing:
1. Stop to consider what you gain by being 'nice'
What is your motive for saying "yes" to this request? How will it serve you? Is there fear here? What are you afraid of? Is your fear taking away your power to choose?
So what if the person doesn't like you? It's more important for YOU to like you. YOU are the most important person in your life because at the end of the day you have no one else to answer to but YOU. YOU are responsible for the quality of your life.
2. Define 'nice' for yourself in other terms
Come up with meaningful words that better express how you want people to feel about you. 'Nice' is not a power word. 'Compassionate', 'thoughtful', 'genuine' - these are more powerful and appropriate words to describe how you want to be experienced by others.
3. Learn to say "no" to things that are not in you best interest
This can be very challenging for people; however, in order for you to bring more happiness and joy into your life, you must become willing to turn down those things that are not of value to you and that are not the best use of your time.
It can be challenging to shift your focus away from being 'nice'. Focus on simply doing what is RIGHT. Is it the right thing to do right now? Is it the best use of your time? Are you the best person for this job or task? What do you want to do?
This comes up in your home life as well as your work life. Sometimes it can be difficult to say "no" to family or friends when they ask for your company or your assistance. When you learn to put yourself first and check in with your Inner Self to see what you want, then you can respond with what works best for you and do so in a way that is respectful and considerate.
If you want to go to the party and cook all of the hors d'oeuvres, that's fine. But if you are already have commitments and you don't want to get up at four in the morning to cook, then you need to say "no" without guilt, without feeling bad. It is the right thing to do - for you.
You cannot be everything to everybody. Focus on being your best and on making yourself happy. When you honor yourself, you find that others learn to respect you and honor you.
And when you assert yourself appropriately, you will be respectful of others.

How to Appear Confident

How to Appear Confident,and Assertive, in an Interview
I am looking for some pointers on job interviews. I have been told by two interviewers that I don't seem assertive or aggressive enough. I do possess those strengths, as I am currently a vice president in a very demanding job.
What are some ways an age 50+ woman can convey aggression and assertiveness during a job interview? I appreciate your help.
Answer:
Without seeing you in action, I can only guess what might be undermining your natural tendencies.
Here are some pointers that will help you shine:
Hearty handshake
Stand as soon as the interviewer arrives and give a warm and hearty handshake, web to web. Don’t wait until they grab your fingers — extend your hand and then hold the handshake for a beat as you look them straight in the eye and smile and tell the person how pleased you are to meet him or her.
This simple gesture sets a strong tone right out of the gate.
Small talk
Don’t be shy about making pleasant small talk on the way to his or her office. Comment on the beautiful office space, the neighborhood, the company or the weather. Confident people strike up a friendly conversation and try to relax the interviewer (they are always nervous, too).
Use your notes
Bring your notes and don’t be afraid to use them. It makes you look well-prepared. If something of interest is mentioned about the job, pause and write it down.
Your CAR stories
Rehearse your CAR stories so you can assert yourself and interject them. What is a CAR story? CAR stands for Challenge, Approach, and Results.
This easy-to-remember mini-story format can be applied to your responsibilities to give examples about how you work and the results you achieved. So, rather than just waiting for the interviewer to ask a question, you are prepared to drop in a powerful mini-story at any point in the conversation.
So, for each major area of responsibility that you are “selling,” come up with one or two CAR stories. Write down the Challenge you faced with that responsibility, the Approach you took to accomplish it, and finally, the Results you achieved. The more you rehearse out loud, the more confident and assertive you will sound.
Prepare your questions
Come prepared with questions about the job, such as expected results after the first year, expectations of internal and external customers, and what happened to the person who had the job before.
After you have asked job-related questions, move into questions about the culture, the manager’s leadership style, the strategy, and other big picture questions. Candidates demonstrate their assertiveness by the questions they ask, as well as the questions they answer.
Take credit!
Studies show (and I’ve observed) that women tend to soft peddle their accomplishments. Instead of using phrases such as, “I negotiated a 30 percent reduction in the vendor contract,” they soften it: “We were fortunate to get a 30 percent reduction…”
If you did it, take credit for it. On the other hand, when a team was involved, be careful not to sound like a glory grabber.
In other words, if you lead a team effort, it could sound something like this: “I intentionally chose three influential internal customers to sit on the Steering Committee, and I also invited some powerful external customers who were skeptics. I knew if the pilot project was successful, we would need champions to get buy in across the company. Focusing this team was a challenge but in the end, the pilot was a success and they played a key role in selling it to the rest of the organization.”
You can still talk about the team’s efforts but be sure to play up your role in leading it.
Look the part!
If you’ve let your hairstyle, eyeglasses, shoes, makeup get out of date, go to an image expert. Sometimes you can find them at fine clothing stores and they will work with you as a part of their overall service.
Sometimes I meet an executive woman who does a fine job where she’s been working for the last ten years. People know her and overlook any faux pas in the style department. But if you have a frumpy look, it can make you look less assertive. Think bold colors and a tailored jacket with clean lines.
Hold the floor!
In Deborah Tannen’s book, Talking from 9 to 5, (1994, William Morrow and Company, New York) she observed and recorded hundreds of Board meetings. She points out that women tend to speak softer and don’t hold the floor as long as men do. After the meetings, when she interviewed the participants, they often attributed a woman’s ideas or comments to someone else, largely because the woman didn’t make a strong enough impression when she was speaking.
During your interview, round out your thoughts with examples and tell CAR stories to highlight your accomplishments and your style. This is not the time to be overly modest or too concise in your style.

Ask and You Shall Receive

Perfect the "Art of Asking"

A key part of getting what you want is knowing how to ask for it. And, there are various ideas and strategies that are important in making certain you express yourself clearly and persuasively. Here are nine rules to bear in mind that will help you perfect "The Art of Asking."

1. Before you ask, know what you want or need.

This is a critical first step. Think about precisely what you want before you even say word one.
Unsuccessful "askers" often forgo this important step. Instead, they launch into a messy "foot-in-mouth-first" approach - adding very confusing dialogue and indecision in their speech. In a vain attempt to get what they need, this type of "asker" ends up confusing their audience.
2. Don't ask for what you don't want.

Another messy situation occurs when "askers" communicate what they don't want rather than what they do want.
For instance, instead of saying, "I would like to have this Sunday off," they say, "I don't want to work this Sunday." Or rather than saying, "I'd like you to complete these forms," they say, "I don't want you to forget to fill out these forms."
Here the listener's attention is drawn to negativity, making it more difficult for him to respond in a positive manner.
3. Know whom to ask.

Make sure to direct your request to the right person. For instance, if you need help with a technical issue, talk to a tech specialist rather than the person in the next cubicle over.
If a chain of command exists, it's a good idea to follow that. And, while you're thinking about whom to approach, ask yourself if you can get what you need without asking anyone at all. Considering these two issues will save you and others time and frustration.
4. Know when to ask.

There are, in fact, more appropriate times than others to make a request. First, consider whether it would be better to ask in private or with others nearby. Some people get flustered when a private matter is discussed in public.
Consider, too, whether someone is stressed or relatively calm. That can also effect how they may respond.
5. Don't overexplain or justify.

Rather, keep your request clear, focused and concise.
6. Don't demand.

Saying "I have to have the day off" is a surefire way to guarantee defeat.
7. Don't threaten.

Saying things such as, "If you don't give me the day off, then I'll..." also means surefire failure.
8. Don't whine.

"You never let me head up these meetings. Why is it that..." It didn't work when you were four years old and it's no more effective now.
9. Know that "yes" means "yes.

"Once you hear yes, say thank you and leave. This is not a time to launch into more justification or explanation.
You asked for it--now you got it! By following these nine simple rules, you'll be well on your way to refining your "art of asking."
Your prescription: Let's put it all together! The next time you ask someone for something, draw up a checklist that includes all nine rules. Rehearse how you're going to ask. Use this list to ensure your request is delivered in the most effective way possible.

Why Everyone is a Salesperson

When we succeed as communicators we have the ability to influence, persuade and hopefully help others. This means, almost by definition, that all of us are salespeople and so all of us can learn from the best sales people.
I have found that the words sales, selling and salesperson always have feelings attached to them. Some of you are reading, pondering the title of this article and thinking a stream of positive thoughts about selling, things like:
Nothing happens until a sale is made or someone sells something.
Sales is the engine of a capitalist economy.
Others are reading thinking a stream of extremely different thoughts:
I’m not in sales, I’m a .
If I wanted to be in sales, I’d be selling used cars, insurance, or spending my whole day on the telephone.
The last thing I want is someone selling me something.
So I write on, knowing that people have very different perspectives on this profession and activity.
For those of you in the first camp, hang with me for a second. For those of you with some amount of distain for sales, or even the slightest resistance to the idea that you might be a salesperson, let me ask you a couple of questions:
Does any part of your daily work/life involve communicating your ideas to others?
Do you ever find yourself trying to influence or persuade others?
Do you ever wish, hope or try to encourage change within an organization or with others?
I believe the chances are very high that you answered positively to at least one of those questions.
And if you did, you are in sales.
I know you may not be selling a product or service, but you are selling yourself, your ideas and solutions, and perhaps a vision of a better future for yourself and others.
Truly professional salespeople will see their jobs as doing those same things, even if they are also helping people buy a particular product or service.
We're all in sales: five reasons why
Since you are still reading, hopefully you can see some positive connection between what you do and the skills and practices of an effective salesperson. What follows are five particular reasons why we are all in sales, and how you can learn from the best salespeople, regardless of your role.
Communicating effectively. Good salespeople are more than glib or good at telling a joke. They hone the craft of connecting and communicating with others through their words, actions, and thoughts.
Asking questions. One reason the best salespeople are such good communicators is that they are masters of asking questions. They know that the right question can be the way to learn more, to understand the other person’s perspective more completely, and to set the stage for the next two skills.
Being persuasive. Salespeople hope to persuade us to buy something. If you don’t sell products, you may be trying to persuade people to do a task, go to a certain restaurant, play a certain game or any of a hundred other things each day. The best salespeople persuade knowing that their product or service will serve, delight and/or improve the lives of those they are persuading.You are hopefully doing the same thing – expecting others will learn something from the task, enjoy the restaurant or the game. There is a difference between persuasion (where everyone benefits) and manipulation (where only the “seller” wins).
Being influential. Influence seems to follow persuasion, often like the next logical step. Once you have been persuasive and the other person found value from that situation, they likely will come back to you since trust has been built. Now you are more influential, potentially on a broader range of topics, than you were before.
Championing change. Persuasion and influence both are about change – changing minds, habits, behaviors, etc. Great salespeople understand that change is sometimes hard so they help others with that process. As you understand change and resistance more, you are better able to help others see the world differently, make new choices and do new things.
Looking at these five skills and behaviors it is easy to see how this helps anyone who is a manager or leader, works with others in any capacity, is a parent or is in any type of relationship at all.
In other words all of us are salespeople – and all of us can become more successful if we learn and practice the skills of great salespeople.
Think about these five skills and find a great salesperson to watch and learn from. The skills that you will learn will benefit you today and for the rest of your life.

Assertiveness With Tact

What New Managers (and Others!) Need to Learn
In another installment from the True Story files, Joanne was listening to a manager from another department getting snippy with her over the phone. "What's wrong with you people?" he said, his voice rising in anger. "You pretty much do nothing all day long! All I'm asking is that you do your jobs. Why can't you get my simple request processed?"
As a new supervisor, Joanne was unaccustomed to such brash confrontations. But it was just this morning his request for work came in - and without all the proper paperwork. Moreover, other work had been flagged as higher priority.
To make matters worse, the manager on the other end of the phone had a lot of seniority, and he was famous for yelling without anyone challenging him. Getting on his bad side was not something she really wanted to do.
Perhaps you've been in Joanne's position. When you're not experienced, such heated conversations can be tough.
An essential supervisor's skill
A good skill for new supervisors to acquire early on is tactful assertiveness. Notice I didn't say "sugarcoat the truth" or "roll over." Nor did I say "be demanding."
Maintaining a professional demeanor is an extremely valuable skill, but it doesn't come easy. Getting there requires a lot of reasoned thinking.
According to the book Asserting Yourself, you can teach yourself ways to remain professional when the pressure is on, but it takes practice.
The book also teaches that when disagreements occur, it doesn't mean one person has to win and the other person has to lose. The two do not have to be mutually exclusive.
A main tenet in assertiveness is not simply to "win," but to find a way for both parties to have a win.
There is no perfect, magical way to do this, but letting the other person know you understand his/her position usually sets a good foundation. The real trick is avoiding the bait of any personal jabs while identifying the real issue.
Key In on the Real Issues
1. What's wrong with you people? (personal jab)
2. You pretty much do nothing all day long. (personal jab)
3. All I'm asking is that you do your jobs. (personal jab)
4. Why can't you get my simple request processed? (the real issue)
It's difficult, but being assertive includes not taking the bait of the personal jabs that will most assuredly lead the conversation away from the real issue. Again, this takes practice. If we try to wing it, we usually end up swallowing some bait - along with a hook.
To acknowledge the manager's perspective, Joanne has several options.
Rephrasing is a good approach. It's hard to associate voice tone in written form, but rephrasing might sound like "I understand that you're wanting to know the status of your request." Or, "Mr. Jones, you sound very concerned about this. To clarify, you're wanting to know how far along your request is in our system?"
Pay attention to your voice tone
Voice tone is vital, because rephrasing must be done without any judgment, mocking, or disrespect. Best selling author Stephen Covey calls this "consideration."
After the manager's position is shown respectful consideration comes what Covey calls "courage," the need to stand up for your own position. Again, this needs to be done professionally, and how it's done will vary situation by situation. No one magic formula exists.
In this situation it may be good for Joanne to put a bit of a time cushion between the manager's anger and her response. She could say she'll look into the matter and call him back. This gives her time to think through her response, and also time for his emotions to cool down.
Balance the perspectives
When she does respond, it will be good for her to remain concerned for his needs, but firm on her department's policies. One way to do it might sound like this:
"I see that your request is related to the xxx project and that it's an important component of that. In looking at our schedule, our workload today has some jobs flagged as high priority that you may not have been aware of. All our personnel are tied up on those projects. But while I have you on the phone, I have your request here in front of me, and I notice some of the information is missing from the form. Can I get that from you now, or would you rather I talk with someone else about it?"
Again, this is just one way to approach it. No magic phrasing exists. She just needs to remain politely firm on the needs of her department while also looking for a way that his request might get expedited.
Bottom line: we can't wing win/win thinking. But verbal challenges can be addressed tactfully and professionally as long as we've thought through a process for how to do it.

Can A Happy Voice Be A Liability?

VoiceCoach subscriber Tom Lee from Clifton, NJ writes: "I am a good natured person and tend to sound happy and positive when I speak. When I try to be assertive I do not have the "voice power" to make it stick. How can I sound more serious?"
Susan Berkley: I also have a happy sounding voice. I used to work in radio and was on the air the day singer and actor Ricky Nelson died in a tragic plane crash. I liked Ricky Nelson and thought I was genuinely sad to hear of his death. But after I announced the accident in a newscast a man called up and berated me for sounding too happy about the disaster.
Even though my warm and friendly sound has made me a lot of money in voice-overs, I have had a complex about my pleasant-sounding voice ever since. There are times when we need to sound like we mean business. Here are some voice mastery tips to help you do it:
1. Wipe that smile off your face
Our facial expression tends to reflect in our speaking voice. If you speak while smiling, your voice will tend to sound happier and warmer. For those times when you need to sound serious, try the opposite approach. Most parents are experts at giving their kids a look that says, "I mean business" and following it with a sharp command. Practice by looking in the mirror to find an expression that's neutral or even stern.
2. Use forceful hand gestures and body language
Take a tip from the politicians and try to look presidential. You must speak with your entire body to have a voice that has power and punch.
3. Tune in to your innner life
If you really mean it, your listener will get the message. Good communication rides on conviction and passion. We need to communicate holistically from the inside out or risk sounding (and looking) like a phony. In hindsight, I think I was uncomfortable about getting in touch with my feelings about Ricky Nelson's death. I unconsciously chose to hide behind a happy mask instead.To really be an effective and powerful communicator you need to be willing to look long and hard at your inner feelings and intentions.
If you are coming across as wishy-washy, it's because there is something incongruent between your intention (to communicate more powerfully) and what you are really feeling and thinking about the situation deep down inside. The voice is the mirror of the soul and it can provide us with important clues about a part of ourselves that may otherwise remain hidden from us and outside our awareness.