Do You Speak Assertively?

If you want to put your relationships onto a more assertive footing, and earn more respect from others (while at the same time, showing your respect for them also), there’s no better way to do it than with the following techniques:
1. “I” Messages, Not “You” Messages
When we use "You" messages, as in "You make me angry" or "You made me do that", we disown our feelings, make others responsible for how we feel, and, for good measure, pass judgment on their behaviour. It's no surprise that "you" messages are called "poison phrases". In Assertiveness, "you" messages are replaced by "I" messages. "I" messages dispassionately describe the feelings we have and the event that caused these feelings. We own them and don't blame others.
Not: "You make me so angry when you turn up late."But: "I feel angry when you turn up late."
2. Describe, don't evealuate
When we talk about ourselves and others, we often use evaluations without thinking: "She's so clever!"; "He's so rude!"; "I'm such a fool!" Evaluations are value judgments. They unwittingly praise or condemn at a stroke. Assertive people avoid evaluative words and phrases. They know the difference between who people are and what they do. They may condemn what people do, but they never condemn who people are.
Not: "He's so absent-minded!"But: "He turns up late to our meetings about twice a week."
3. Specific, not generalized words
When we want to make a strong point to others, we often exaggerate or generalize. "You're always leaving the lid off the toothpaste" is not likely to be factually true, but it expresses how strongly we feel. A more honest approach is to use specific statements. These are accurate, less likely to lead to arguments and, because they specify the problem, make it easier to find solutions.Instead of the universal and generalized statement: "You don't love me," be specific and say what you want: "When you come home from work, I'd love it if we could stop and have a cuddle now and again."
4. "Just" and "only"
We often allow the words “just” and “only” to slip into our everyday language to show how little we think of someone or something eg “He’s only a waiter” or “It’s just a scratch”. This can sometimes be interpreted as a put-down. Instead, avoid the words altogether and see the difference you make.
5. Fogging
"Fogging" is an assertive way of dealing with dishonest or indirect put-downs from others. In "fogging", you treat the put-down as serious, pick out and agree with any truth in what is said and at the same time show the other person your refusal to rise to the bait of their sarcasm.
Boss: (as you arrive late for the second time this week): "I see the train's running late again, then!"You: "Yes, that's twice this week and it's made me late on both occasions. I'm going to have to re-think my travel arrangements if this continues."
6. Broken record
"Broken record" takes its name from a stuck gramophone record. It is a technique for repeating over and over what you want when someone refuses to listen. It can be used when someone is making a demand on you that you don't want to accept, or you are trying to make a point to someone else that they don't want to accept. Because broken record depends on a repetition of your point, it is easy for your words and actions to become heated and possibly aggressive. Because of this, make sure that you let others know that you are listening to them, that you accept their right to an opinion, but that you are not going to be deflected from what you want.
7. Constructive feedback
Giving people feedback is one of the defining functions of managers. You can give two kinds of feedback: complimentary or critical. The danger in being too complimentary is that the receivers become complacent; the danger in being too critical is that the receivers take offence. You can avoid both these traps by using Constructive Feedback.
Constructive Feedback tells people what you liked about something they did as well as what you didn't like. It is essentially an assertive way of paying a compliment while also offering a view on how someone might change. Constructive Feedback only gives your views about someone's behaviour, not about them as individuals. When delivered successfully, it makes people feel good and helps them move forward.
Many of the arguments between people arise through the inappropriate or incorrect use of language. By checking what we say, and finding more honest means of expression, we can move in one leap from rubbing people up the wrong way to stroking them with respect and care.

Assertiveness Skills

How to Say No! the Right Way

Saying no to a request can be difficult. Perhaps we don't want to feel as though we are insulting the person or even just letting them down. Most of us have a desire to please others and to feel as though we are "coming through" for them. And, of course, there are many appropriate times for a "yes" response.

However, when you believe "no" is the appropriate response, you should be able to do it so that you get your point across kindly and politely, and in such a way that the person does not continue to ask. And/or, if they do ask again, you're able to stay committed to your decision with the result being they discontinue their request.
Declining an offer graciously will allow you to never again get trapped into making a commitment you simply don't want to make. Or, just saying yes when you'd rather say no. Please, don't ever confuse being nice (or even, being a "Go-Giver") with not taking care of yourself and your personal needs. There is nothing righteous about that. However, also know that you can say no graciously, with class, and in a way that the other person cannot possibly be offended.
Let's use the very generic situation where "someone asks you to do something you simply don't want to do." When this happens, offer lavish appreciation just for their "thinking" of you like that, then finish with the decline.
Example: "I'm honored to even be thought of in that way - that you would think highly enough of me to ask me to serve on this committee. However, I believe I'm going to respectfully decline your kind offer."
Okay, good start, but we're not through yet. There's one more very important thing you need to do (actually, not do) for this to work effectively. It is the difference between a good idea and accomplishing your goal.

Express apprecaiation for the offer, but never make excuses

So far, we discussed the importance of being able to say no to requests you truly don't want to accept and doing so in such a way that you are kind and polite but leave no doubt that you are not accepting the request. It was suggested you make a point of lavishing appreciation for the "offer" while actually declining. An example might be:
"I'm honored to even be thought of in that way - that you would think highly enough of me to ask me to serve on this committee. However, I believe I'm going to respectfully decline your kind offer."
If they persist and say, "Oh, c'mon; why not?" Or, "Please, we really need you" all you have to do is reply with a sincere smile and say, "I'd just rather not, but thank you so much for considering me."
The person will understand that you're not going to accept the position, but cannot possibly be offended because of your gracious, humble and appreciative attitude.
There is a key point, however, which actually makes this work. And, that is:

Do not make an excuse for saying no.

Please, really embrace this. It's that important. Do not make an excuse for saying no!
Please do not say, "I don't have time" or "I'm really not qualified," or anything similar you might be tempted to say. If you do, they'll attempt to answer the objection and continue to try and persuade you. And, when they overcome the objection(s) you'll either be cornered into accepting (so that you don't appear to be a liar) or you'll have to "admit" that what you said wasn't really true. You'll lose face and they'll resent you.
Don't get sucked into that game. A simple answer such as the one we used earlier along with a genuine smile will accomplish your goal. That, and…no excuses.
Will this work every time? Actually, yes, so long as you maintain your polite, thankful, yet steady posture of "no thank you."
Bonus: Once you begin training people (even those who are used to your giving in) that you are able to say no and not be bullied, coerced or guilted into doing something you don't want to do, you will find that, from now on, all it will take is one "no" per request to not be asked again.